where the frick are the ponies
by hihoo
Summary: hohohoho


2

Once upon a time, a wild dwarf pack was traveling to the misty mountains accompanied by a wizard and a hobbit. Two of the dwarves from this company happen to be… Fili and Kili. Kili had harbored a secret love for his brother, a very dark and incestuous love. And Fili was none the wiser.

One frigid night in the woods, the fire had long since burned out and the brothers were the only ones awake on pony watch. Kili couldn't help but stare at Fili's round, plush butt. Fili noticed his wandering gaze on his rump.

Fili turned around and locked eyes with Kili. Minutes pass before either of them do anything.

Finally Fili says, "Ay, yo! I see you lookin' at my booty."

Kili's face instantly reddened (LITTERALLY INSTANTANEOUS), "I just couldn't help myself, brother."

Fili stared him down for another few minutes until he finally said, "Back that ass onto papa."

"Do you really mean that, dearest brother?" Kili said shyly.

"Course I do, mothafucka. Why would I mess with a homie like that?"

Kili couldn't take it anymore, he leaped on his brother, knocking him to the ground with an incestuous kiss. Fili kissed Kili with his ghetto girl lips. They only broke apart when they were gasping for air.

"Dang, girl. You sure do know how to smooch a guy," Fili gasped.

"I learned from the best," Kili added.

"Wat."

"Why, our dearest uncle Thorin Oakenshield of course!"

And at that moment, in trotted Thorin with his hot hobbit boy-toy in his arms.

"What the fuck are you two doing, you motherfuckers? And where the frick are the ponies?" Thorin howled.

Kili looked towards were the ponies were supposed to be except they were not there.

"Uh, I can explain," says Kili.

"Do you mean the incest or the ponies?" Thorin bellowed.

"So, are we going to have sex anytime soon?" whispered Bilbo into Thorin's beard.

"Yeah, of course, babycakes. I just gotta get these little shits out of here," Thorin screeched.

Fili and Kili looked at each other, puzzled.

"Yo, motherfuckers. Go look for the damn ponies, you pieces of shit," Thorin roared.

"Yes, of course, uncle dearest," Kili murmured.

And with that, Kili and Fili got up and trotted away into the woods.

"Maybe if we're good, Uncle Thorin will let us give him a blowjob!" Kili cheered.

"Yeah, dawg, that'd be tight," Fili added.

"Are we actually going to look for the ponies?" Kili questioned.

"Fuck naw," Fili responded.

And as soon as Fili finished talking, he jumped on Kili and stradled him, staring incestuously into his eyes. Fili leaned down, pressing his lips down roughly against Kili's. Kili responded by kissing him back and putting his hand on Fili's butt, stroking his fine ass. Fili's left hand immediately went to Kili's crotch. Fili reached into Kili's pants, stroking his willy gently. Kili moaned like the dirty slut he is. Kili broke away from the kiss and began placing gentle kisses on Fili's neck,.

"Yo, dawg! Touch my unit!" Fili demanded.

"Yes, of course, brother. Whatever you wish," Kili sighed.

Kili instantly ripped off Fili's pants and immediately stroking his D. Fili leaned down pressing their divine rods together. Kili pushed up against him, creating friction between their bodies causing them both to moan.

"Oh, oh, put your anal impaler in me Fili!" Kili whimpered.

"Whateva you want, gurl," Fili growled.

Fili wasted no time sticking his baby arm inside Kili's hot hobbit hole. Fili started to thrust slowly into him, pressing his body into Kili. Fili started to speed up, making Kili moan loudly.

"LEFT HAND PUMPKIN!" Kili screeched.

"SOMETIMES I WISH I WAS A WOMAN!" Fili moaned.

"I JERK OFF TO THE THOUGHT OF BOFUR TAKING OFF HIS HAT!" Kili somethinged.

"MISTY MOUNTAINS CALL!" shouted Fili.

"TO DUNGEONS DEEP!" hooplah'd Kili.

And with that, Fili cummed into Kili's hobbit hole. Kili following soon after. Fili collapsed onto Kili, both panting. Fili leaned in and whispered, "_Yolo_"

"Did you fuckers even try to find the ponies?" Thorin squawked from ten feet away.

Kili and Fili looked at each other and decided to stay silent.

"Just ignore those little assholes and fuck me harder with your male organ," Bilbo seductively whined.

"Okay," Thorin bellowed.

Kili and Fili never found the ponies. Bilbo and Thorin had hot sex. Everyone ended up mildly satisfied. The End.


End file.
